- ‘Getting out of abusive marriage not solution to domestic violence’
Nigerians of marriageable ages have been charged to always study their partners very well, take their time to receive necessary home training, guidance and develop required emotional intelligence and maturity before thinking of settling down.
This advice was necessitated following the current rise in incidents of fatal violence and other assault among couples and others involved in intimate relationships.
Marriage and other relationships in Nigeria have, in the recent time, recorded several deaths and injuries as partners turned what is supposed to be their haven of love into a theatre of war, dealing fatally with themselves over alleged infidelity, among other reasons.
Even those who refer to themselves as boyfriends and girlfriends also suffer deadly abuses in their relationships.
In November last year, the Edo State Police Command arrested a 16-year-old girl, Aisha Suleiman, for allegedly poisoning her ex-boyfriend, identified as Emmanuel, and four other young men in Afashio community in the Etsako West Local Government Area of Edo State over an alleged failed relationship.
The teenager was reportedly jilted by Emmanuel. Not pleased with the disengagement of the relationship, she allegedly poisoned a pepper soup and took it to her former boyfriend. Unfortunately, Emmanuel consumed the pepper alongside his four friends. They were all pronounced dead at the hospital they were rushed to.
Recently, a lady who is a make-up artist was beaten black and blue by her boyfriend whom she simply identified as “my King.” The lady was almost blinded with punches over her alleged refusal to allow her boyfriend to have sexual intercourse with her.
Last week, no fewer than six separate marital and non-marital abuses were reported in the media.
A man, simply identified as Nwanna, was arrested by the police for setting his wife, Chioma Nwanna, ablaze over an allegation of infidelity last week Tuesday.
The incident happened in Abagana, a community in Njikoka Local Government Area of Anambra State. The woman died the next day due to the severity of the burns she sustained, leaving her five children motherless.
While Nigerians were yet to recover from the shock associated with Chioma’s painful death, another married woman, Mrs. Peace Livinus, bitterly shared the videos of how her husband battered her for wearing a singlet to pick their child from school. However, the victim shocked Nigerians the moment people started demanding for justice as she made another video with swollen face and bruises all over, exonerated her husband, Livinus, of the brutal attack she suffered, saying she deserved what she got. She disclosed her reaction from her husband’s Facebook account, Kagbaranee Imeah.
The cases of gender based violence against women are fast rising. Notwithstanding, reports have also shown that men also suffer abuse and attacks from women. Recently, a married man in Cross River State was bathed with hot oil by his wife over an unresolved disagreement.
A married woman who lives in Enugu State, Chinyere Egbeonu also narrated how her husband of 14 years, Echezona Egbeonu, has been beating and dehumanizing her since her bride price was paid over allegations of promiscuity.
She explained that she was married at the age of 18 and that after 14 years of constant assault, she could not bear it any longer.
Chinyere said she left her husband eventually.
However, according to her, the estranged husband walked into her on January 15, 2025 in a public place and started beating her for refusing to return to the marriage.
These sad tales and many more horrible violent experiences have gradually tuned to the hallmark of some marriages and relationships as domestic violence worsens.
Reacting in an interview with The Point, a trained marriage counselor, Dr. Madu Ihekoronye, attributed the menace to many factors including lack of adequate preparations before people go into marriage, unrealistic expectations in marriage, unfavourable socio-economic policies and deviation from traditional concept of marriage.
Ihekoronye said, “What is affecting our marriage is that couples are not properly prepared before getting into marriages. It is not surprising that we are having the cases we are having. What a man and a woman expect from themselves should be handled with the understanding of what they are capable of delivering. So, when those expectations are not met, it can erupt in many ways.
“Another factor is the socio-economic environment, the pressure of our time is enormous and it is weighing down our men and women and affecting children. The two find it difficult to understand the contradictions between what they expect their families to be and what the family has turned out to be. So, the reactions are eruptions of inner frustrations. The couples are not competent to handle the disconnect between what they expect and their experiences. The woman who poured hot oil on her husband and the husband who set his wife ablaze, as at that time, were not thinking of the consequences of their actions. They just want to pour out their frustrations. It is because the level of emotional competence and intelligence in the general population is so low. People say I will do it and damn the consequences.
“The internet culture is not helping us. The traditional patrimonial culture states that a man is the head of the family and says what happens there. But, now, the internet culture is saying women can be free and can also control the home. And so, you see a conflict. There cannot be two captains in a ship. Many compared themselves with other couples on Facebook, not knowing that what happens on Facebook is not what happens in reality. It is a confused society and a confused system that we are dealing with and the dysfunctions within our government.
“The religious bodies are not even helping at all. The way we practice Christianity and Islam in Nigeria are not helping it.”
When asked if getting out of marriage in the face of abuse is the best way to go, Ihekoronye, a pharmacist and senior lecturer at the Faculty of Pharmacy, Obafemi Awolowo University, Ile-Ife, opined that jumping out of toxic marriage is never a solution because it could be a recipe for more violence and broken homes.
According to the marriage specialist, about half of people who are involved in violence and abuses in marriage and other intimate relationships are products of broken homes.
Noting that the social media has contributed to ruining homes, the counselor said couples no longer want to allow experienced married persons and trained counselors to mentor them and ensure that their union sails through successfully, rather, they go to social media to get advice from people whose marriages have failed.
“If you ask our grandfathers and grandmothers, they will confirm to you that there were problems in their marriages and the solution has never been to get out. Marriages didn’t get to abusive stage in one day, there are trends, something leads to something until it becomes abusive.
“When a man feels he should not be questioned because he is the head of the family and the woman also feels that “why should a man dictate to her in the house, you work and I also work”, then it becomes chaotic. A man is not complete without a woman and a woman is not complete without a man. We are all products of relationships.
“So, if a woman or man jumps out of marriage, she or he will still go into single motherhood and single fatherhood respectively. And almost 50 per cent of the domestic violence you are seeing are from children of broken homes. So, the solution primarily is not to jump out. Jumping out is a very rare last resort and it should be supervised. Once two people cannot handle their problems, then, the society should have a system in place to manage those crises. Maybe, you separate the people for a while, they go through counseling, then, they can be reunited after they might have been corrected.”
Talking of what counselors and other stakeholders can do in ensuring that marriage is devoid of violence, the health professional explained that “we should return to African traditional values and the values should not be that a man should force down his will down the throat of a woman, that is not so. A man has authority over his house. That authority is cultural, it is spiritual, it is legal. The era we are in now is that everybody thinks they can do whatever they want to do, no order, is a recipe for chaos. African traditional values should be retained.”
He added, “Family in Africa is not just between man and woman, it includes the whole family, it includes the entire community. Now that you are excluding the community in interfering in marriage, that it is just between a man and the woman, it is causing a problem because there are some people who serve as mentors to families, those who have long experience in this business of marriage, they should offer guidance and counseling and monitor the family and see that it is making progress.”
He maintained the need for young Nigerians to desist from rushing into marriage, saying that “Many people who are fathers and mothers today are actually children who are supposed to be receiving mentorship, guidance and tutelage at home.”
“Somebody who is supposed to be receiving training at home, and then, suddenly, because you find a man on the street and he got you pregnant, you now wear traditional clothes in the name of marriage. People are now calling you Mr and Mrs, but the character that should guide marriage is not there.
“Many people only plan for wedding ceremonies, wedding showers, dancing steps, parties and those events. Marriage is not an event, it is not a ceremony. It is a life of compromise. We should be taught in schools, in families, schools and churches that society should get into marriage again. Marriage should not only be a matter between man and woman. People will be advising them that they should not allow any other person know what is happening in your family, it is a lie. Experienced and godly counselors should help couples. Each community needs people that will be interested in stabilizing families and keeping them together.
“There are some values that those going into marriage should know. The way you dress before marriage is not the same way you will dress after marriage. Some women and men will be dressing in some unacceptable ways and they will be getting counseling from those who are not married and those who have failed in their marriages. But there are those who are in marriage and have sacrificed for it and the marriage is working, they will be in the position to guide you.
“Tackling this issue involves a multi-stakeholder approach. The religious community is part of the problem. It is very unfortunate because religion is now a business. If I can speak two or three English, then I become a pastor, I become an Imam. I am delimited by what I know. So, they keep on recycling ignorance, negativity, failure, which is not right for the family,” Ihekoronye stated.
Another marriage counselor, Omolara Fasakin, admonished intending couples to study themselves very well during their courtship in order to discover if any of them is suffering from obsession.
Fasakin allayed the fear of young Nigerians about going into marriage judging by the current pockets of violence, emphasising the need for them to watch out for mature, well cultured and God-fearing people and very importantly, withdraw from such relationship whenever their partners are aggressive, narcissistic and obsessed with them.
She said, “Many might have been saying that marriage is now endangered and even dreading it, because the happenings are actually horrible. But, I want to urge people not to run away from marriage or be afraid of getting into it. Yes, some people are actually battling psychological ailments. They are obsessed with their partners and they have this kind of love that if they don’t love you, no one will. They are suffering from chronic envy and not love. Once you meet those who are obsessed, run away from them. You will discover this whenever their love becomes choky. Kindly run away from such a relationship and ensure you go very far away from them because they don’t let go easily.”