“Last week was very hectic for me in the office. Auditors were around from Abuja and so, everyone had to tidy up their accounts in order not to collide with barbed wire.” “Alan Kay, what have you to do with an auditor; after all, you are a journalist whose brief is to write stories; or do you also join them in selling the newspaper? Because I know that in this recession era, anything can happen.”
“Nah, nah. You know, I served as guarantor for some adverts placed on credit; so I had to go gaga in cajoling the debtors to pay up. Otherwise, my salary would be seized and other punitive measures could come in tow.”
“God forbid. If your salary is embargoed, that could be disastrous for the beer parlour industry in Nigeria, and in fact, the brewery producing your brand will feel the negative impact.”
“Well Charles, I am sure you won’t equate me with Bala, who’s operating on pre-paid drinking. Only last weekend, immediately his salary was paid by his chambers, he stormed Iya Shola’s beer parlour in company with two modern-size jezebels and pronto, dropped N30, 000 to cover his beer and peppersoup consumption for one month.”
“Bad boy. That’s an average N1, 000 per day. But you know that Bala is a reckless drinker, who would within that month transmute from a creditor to a debtor, after having overshot the runway of his consumption gauge.”
“Well, leave Bala alone. One, he is a successful lawyer with clientele in the ranks of corrupt politicians who are being chased around like a cat would a rat, by the EFCC. Again, Iya Shola, remember, is a single mother with an open workshop. But we all know that Bala alone has a certificate of occupancy, that is, CofO, to her land. The other men are only appearing occasionally, using their survey plans.”
“Whao! If I had bugged this statement of yours and played it before your pastor, he would certainly excommunicate you, or if he is lenient a bit, order your sentence to a sevenday prayer and fasting session on a bitingly cold mountain in one of these Ekiti or Ondo communities.”
“Well, before it gets to that, let Lady Clara bring us a replacement to these leaking bottles, which must also be criminally cold and of mortuary standard….Lest I forget, what is the latest about this N13bn of various foreign currencies found in the Ikoyi residence of a shadowy landlord?”
“My brother, the issue is going into the archives as had been its predecessors. The initial excitement over a claim by Ayodele Oke, the suspended Director General of the National Intelligence Agency, that he helped the Federal Government to hide the money for ‘covert operations’, has waned.”
“So what flattened the people’s excitement? After all, the guy had been placed on suspension along with the grass-cutting (or is it grasscutter?) Secretary to the Government of the Federation. And what is more? A strong panel headed by Vice President Yemi Osinbajo was set up to probe the suspects.”
“I beg, forget the story. Why should they be probed by top government officials whom they were working with and who could be very good friends? What are we doing with an array of retired judges, senior lawyers and other professionals with high integrity? Soon, you will hear the verdict.”
“Moreover, the President whom the displeased Nigerian public or rights activists could protest to is touted to be working from home. How many people can enter the presidential lodge to register their grievances?”
“Mmmm, Kay, the Information Minister, Lai Mohammed, denied ever saying President Muhammadu Buhari had been working from home, following his recent absence in the office. But the fact remains that the President can hardly be seen at functions.”
“Charles please leave the President alone. If you are unwell and are recuperating, would I force you to come to this beer parlour, for instance, and start shelling beer? So it is the same thing.”
Again, Iya Shola, remember, is a single mother with an open workshop. But we all know that Bala alone has a certificate of occupancy, that is, CofO, to her land
“Okay o. Just let them give us a plate of steaming hot catfish pepper soup apiece, and then support it with two sweating bottles of our beer. That is the best way to cool off the tension on the nation’s brouhaha.”
“I trust you. You and your illegal grammatical bombardment. But that will not fly at this Lady Clara beer parlour, if not supported with unrestrained spending.” Or better still, purchasing her certificate of occupancy!”
