Two guys were arrested in my neighbourhood last night. They were accused of drugging a lady and gang-raping her, to the extent that the lady’s screams aroused the neighbourhood from their sleep. So these good midnight Samaritans quickly alerted the vigilantes who rescued the hapless lady, apprehended the culprits and handed them over to the police.”
“Good way of reporting an event, Kay. But there are two things I will like to correct. One; a gang, by definition, is an association of three or more individuals. So how come two men gang-raped her? No, they only double-raped her, if what transpired was a rape case after all. Secondly, when she was screaming, did she call on the neighbours to come rescue her? Were they too sure she was not screaming for joy?”
“Charles, when are you going to be transformed in your inner-mind? See how you are defending rapists as if you were their attorney. Anyway, recall that the babe was drugged, so she could not have been in her right senses.”
“I agree with you there. She was not in her right senses because she was intoxicated or drugged. That means the screaming was not reserved for any intrusion from the neighbourhood. But above all, why not invite the girl concerned here to explain what actually transpired.”
“Thief; so that you can continue from where the rapists stopped, before that rude interruption from the vigilantes…oh! We have been gossiping since, without asking for what can give us legitimacy here. See how the heavily endowed Iya Jelili is looking at us, wondering what we could be talking about.”
“I hope she would have the beer criminally cold, mortuary standard. From what I know, this present government is taking everyone back to the Stone Age, over this electricity issue. They keep churning out fake figures on the advancing figures of megawatts without any corresponding effect on power supply.”
“Are you even talking about that? How about Minister Babatunde Fashola’s theory of increased electricity tariff despite increasing darkness generation? Nigerians are in the era of change, but I hope they are not chained.”
“Why are you using the word ‘they’, as if you are not one of the suffering Nigerians? Kay, recall that before, we were hanging out at big pubs where beer sells for N250 per bottle. See us here now at Iya Jelili’s beer parlour, where this brand of beer that resembles urine is available for paltry N150. Haven’t we experienced change too?”
“Charles, please reduce the volume of your voice. Look at the gaunt-looking guy at the other seat looking intently at us; maybe is a secret agent and may be tapping our conversation. Because, I wouldn’t like to suffer double jeopardy in this country. It is not good to be broke and be detained over nothing. Your family will never be proud of you.”“No, no, no. Didn’t you do Social Psychology in your university days? Can’t you see the guy’s oesophagus is gasping for some gulp, that he’s in need of beer? No, the guy is only hungry.”
“Then if he is hungry, he should first eat before drinking, and any attempt to buy food for him while I am shelling beer amounts to selfdispossession. Well, I’ll tell Iya Jelili to thrust one bottle on his table to confirm your Nostradamus analysis of his mission here.”
Try it and you will see that I have more beer-parlour foresight than you do…hic…lest I forget, when are they doing the Rivers State re-run elections for the National and state Assemblies?”
“Any moment hence, but there is this fear of insecurity pervading the state; as if the election day is the awaited day of Armageddon…. so what is your stake in the Rivers election?”
“Not much; it’s just that I have a friend who is re-running for the House of Assembly. He wants me to introduce him to a security ware merchant. He wants to buy a bulletproof vest so as the safeguard himself against gun-shot on Election Day, as he would like to not only vote but also go round to protect his votes from being stolen.”
“If the man is not wise enough, are you not also? Please let them replace these fallen heroes, let Iya Jelili give us more bottles…Yes, as I was saying, doesn’t he know that a bullet-proof vest can only protect the torso? What of if they aim at his head or his ‘third leg’ otherwise known as ‘the industry below the soft underbelly’, or even, at his legs?”
“So Alan Kay, the new overall bullet-proof manufacturer. How does my Rivers friend keep alive?”
“Simple. Tell him to come. I will take him to my village. There is a babalawo who is fecund in the manufacturing of ‘ayeta’, that is, a native bullet-proof charm. That one is overall, just as you said. But tell him to be ready to part with a million Naira…”
“Wait, wait. What would an unkempt native herbalist do with a million Naira? You are a thief. Just tell me you need money to restore your dwindling beer-drinking fortune.”
“Yeye man. Won’t I survive? After I must have given babalawo a meagre N10, 000 for his services, I will go buy a new sleek car, complete my building project which the local witches have stalled all these years, and then take you, Charles, out on a drinking spree.”
“Now, I can confirm you are drunk.”
