“The loud noise of the music has now subsided because the noisemaking revellers have retreated, each with their spouse. They certainly are going for quiet talks and touches that will lead to big acts.”
“Kay, you and your lewd talks. Just beckon to your Mama Juliet to serve us a bottle apiece. We don’t know the number of bottles that are fated for ‘demolition’ yet. But for what it’s worth, a journey of one thousand years begins with a step.”
“Alcoholically philosophical Charles…have you noticed a laughable thing going on right away, right beside you? Kai, we need a beautiful lady to add glamour to a laughing session once it begins.”
“Hold it; don’t laugh. Is it because you saw a Father Christmas drinking beer? You are lost in wonder for a supposed mystical personage doing the very thing ordinary people do. Not so?”
“At least decency demands that he should put off the Father Christmas veil before grooving, because people see him as an epitome of chastity. For someone who laps kids and cuddles excited housewives under the banner of bringing blessings from Jerusalem, to now sit down here, ‘demolishing’ bottles of beer…”
“Don’t get yourself worked up. He is just a mortal like us. And please inform your wife that she should rally other housewives, to stop cuddling Fathers Christmas indiscriminately, as some of them are susceptible to the riotous inflammation of the third leg.”
“Hmmm, you and your exciting coinage. As a matter of fact, I can see an object that looks like an expended wrap of Viagra, the drug useful for sharpening up a receding instrument of office. Certainly, this Father Christmas is awaiting the arrival of a Mother Christmas for a riotous conference in the other room.”
“Enough, please. We are in the Christmas season, a time for deep reflections on the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ. It’s indeed a fallacy of generalisation to conclude that all other Fathers Christmas are as corrupt as our assumedly rotten friend in veil. You never can tell; he may be diligent in his line of duty.”
“You have a point there. I have a friend; he is a gospel musician. He must gulp at least a litre of liquor to gain inspiration on stage and send his fans to the dance floor.”
“Well, that one na fake gospel musician o. Please, it’s like the harmattan haze is whirling along my throat. See how I just demolished this bottle of beer with the speed of light. You will please tell Mama Juliet to, this time, bring a whole carton, with half a dozen apiece for us.”
“Charles, thank God you are not a human rights activist. With the break-neck and unrestrainable speed with which you drink beer, you are liable to getting drunk frequently, as to warrant you over-criticising even President Buhari himself.”
“And truly, I would love to be a drunk activist since that would make me do my job well. I would simply say…hic…. ‘Why has Mr. President failed to tell Nigerians the role he played in the controversy surrounding the return and re-escape of Maina, the suspected pension savings’ thief?’”
“I simply pity you. Since you live in a state controlled by the ruling party, they will simply tell you that the state government is about to award a road project that courses through your three-bedroom bungalow. And pronto, it will be demolished.”
“Chai, that’s suicidal o. I simply thought one would be arrested, detained for a few days and then returned home to become a hero, the man of the people…so it is life-saving to be an inconsequential drunk here, gossiping and
frolicking.”
“Anyway, from what I can perceive, this year’s Christmas is going to witness a leap in merriment, and mark you, more people in top places will be generous this time, because we are entering the season of politics.”
“I have an idea Kay; in the first half of next year, let’s schedule to visit Osun for merriment, at least twice; because of their governorship election. Then we will relocate to Ekiti State and be there twice too, in the second half of the year. All for unrestrained drinking and general entertainment.”
“Well, as for Ekiti, you will only set a table of vinegar for yourself if you sit with Fayose’s political enemies to drink, as it is inherently perilous to do so.”
“Is that so? Perhaps that’s why they call him ‘Osoko mole’; there is a tinge of terrorism in that name. Well, certainly, we will not go there to court trouble. If Fayose can cater to our needs and give us a good treat, why should we go and sit at where our bottles of beer could become our head-breakers, or where horse-whips will make us look like Ojuju Calabar?”
“But looking at it some other way, a Fayose of nowadays is a complete gentleman; a man who has his eyes on the PDP Vice presidential candidacy. Recall that when he presented the last budget speech to the state’s House of Assembly, he looked resplendent in his Agbada embroidery, as against the military combat gear he donned in the
previous year.
“Na wa o. I like this Fayose of a guy sha. So, let’s test-run with our seven bottles per head formula; because in Ekiti, we may have to consume a carton each, and we will support Fayose for Vice President.”
