“Those who cannot understand our beer parlour culture will sometimes think we are actually at war, in the way we argue out issues. But from my observation, we normally raise our voices for two reasons.”
“Renowned social psychologist of the pub genre; so what are the two reasons?…and by the way, before we proceed, let slim Silifa serve us a bottle apiece. Somebody booked two bottles for me yesterday, at a time I was in Cloud 8; when I had already ‘shelled’ four bottles.”
“Well, let me go straight to The Point before I’m derailed…hic…we raise our voices once a beautiful or sexy lady is around; we would all like to impress her.”
“Yes, Charles, you’ve scored a point there. What is the second reason? Or is it when we are animated by the body facilities of the beautiful lady, just like a magnetic force?”
“Don’t jump the gun, Kay. The second reason is that, once we are intoxicated, maybe we are on top of the fourth or fifth or sixth bottle, you are bound to talk loudly, gutturally and with every sense of ‘libidoic immodesty.’
“Guess you are turning crazy with this your insoluble grammar. I am sure you’ve been caught by your own trap. You are speaking big this way because of slim Silifa, the beautifully endowed daughter of Madam Rolake, the gifted owner of this beer parlour.”
“Really, as you can see, Mama Silifa, as we choose to call her, is a good hip-shooter, whereas her daughter lacks that facility. Yet, what slim Silifa has as assets in the configuration of her hugely enlarged torso, her mum can only hope for such in the hereafter.”
“Oh Charles, you need forgiveness and you deserve to be in purgatory for being vulgar. So between mother and daughter, who is your choice, really?”
“None. And this is also for two reasons. If I start dating mother and child, there will be unhealthy fashion-competition between them, which will drain my purse and reduce me to a church rat. Again, if the secret leaks to the mum, that I’m incestuously double-dating, she will simply dispatch me with the mishmash of rat poison, inside pepper-soup.”
“Please drop the ‘project’ and instead train your lustful eyes by looking without touching….and slim Silifa or her fat mother should replace these bottles, as they are no more than fallen heroes. We also need to fortify the belly with some pepper-soup. Or what do you think?”
“Fantastic proposals. But you know I have been fantasising since yesterday, on the possibility of sighting Maina in this beer parlour, drinking and planning his escape from Nigeria.”
“I’m sure you are referring to the sacked and fleeing former chairman of the Pensions Reform Board, who sneaked in recently to return to his job and even at a higher level.”
“Well, you know the Buhari administration is full of oddities and we are no longer surprised by what Maina did. We would only be disappointed if nothing awkward, shameful or unbelievable happened at the close of every month.”
“So what would you have done if you sighted Maina here? And mind you, he doesn’t walk on this low road of drinking at Iya Silifa’s beer parlour. Don’t you know the amount of pensioners’ money involved in the case against him? N100 billion!”
“That’s where you have mistaken. Remember that once the man was exposed by a news publication, he naturally ran to seek for a hiding place. So it means he is still here in Nigeria, because the security agents would have laid siege to the sea, land and air ports, hoping to arrest him.”
“And so?”
“And if he decides to unwind in a high profile hotel or joint, he can easily be caught. More so, if he opts for these ‘happening babes’, they will easily get at him. That’s why he will naturally prefer a low profile joint like Iya Silifa’s, and then, a local babe like, maybe, Silifa.”
“So Mr. Dreamer, how do you intend to profit from a Maina in Iya Silifa’s beer parlour?
“Very simple. You know we are in the era of whistle-blowing-for-cash. I will simply sneak out and inform the EFCC, and since the money in question is N100bn, you can be sure I will get five percent of it.”
“But note that out of the five percent, you will settle those you went to report Maina’s discovery to. You should also be planning your exit from the country because another whistle-blower, especially in this neighbourhood, can inform the Maina camp that you let the cat out of the bag.”
“That won’t be a problem. After all, you, Iya Silifa and her daughter were here when I helped government to arrest the wanted man. All I’ll do is, book one cartoon of beer daily for 365 days for you! Then I will marry Silifa secretly as my second wife and build a befitting beer parlour for her mother. So, all of you will definitely keep sealed lips.”
“Joseph the Dreamer. Mind you, Maina is even ready to come out of his cocoon and endure the little hardship of arraignment, brief detention, and bail; as his case may last more than a decade of adjournments, and eventual discharge and acquittal.”
“Chai, Nigeria we hail thee!”
So what would you have done if you sighted Maina here? And mind you, he doesn’t walk on this low road of drinking at Iya Silifa’s beer parlour. Don’t you know the amount of pensioners’ money involved in the case against him? N100 billion!
